My Manifesto: The Incoherent Ramblings of a Madman

Adam finds a new car so he can retire his Corolla to that big car yard in the sky

My new car criteria is nothing special, it merely has to have the following features:

1. Intermittent windscreen wipers (this is an artifact from my original Suzuki Swift, which alas, did not have intermittent windscreen wipers and became the bane of my existence during rain);
2. Rear windscreen wiper (again, an an artifact from my original Suzuki Swift);
3. Engine with at least 1.9 litres and no more than mid-2;
4. Engine power of at least 100kW;
5. Fuel consumption of less than 10L/100 km (this is actually really hard to tell because , for instance, the Volvo specifications seem to be upfront and honest about the fuel consumption and have about 5 different ratings depending on where the car is driven, where as, others are not so forthcoming with information);
6. CD player: preferably with MP3 and 6 in-dash that allows you to have a random feature that goes across all of the CD's (I've given up on this - Toyota seem to be the only people who have that come as standard in their in-dash stackers)
7. I need to avoid looking like a complete wanker for driving it.

Looking through the small car range i have come up with essentially a list of 10:

1. The Peugeot 207 (looks cool, slightly expensive, made in South Africa and keeps falling apart, no resale value);

2. Golf 2.0 (looks cool, slightly expensive, made in South Africa and keeps falling apart, no resale value, it's becoming the "I'm a North shore wanker" car of choice);

3. Citroen C4 (looks cool, slightly expensive, made in South Africa and keeps falling apart, no resale value);

4. BMW 118i (looks super cool, actually not as expensive in comparison considering the extra features, made in South Africa and keeps falling apart, you look like a BMW driving wanker, no resale value);

5. Punto 1.9 (looks crap, too cheap, in fact, I accidentally broke the door handle in the show room when i pulled it gently shut but we'll just keep that between you and me...ok? I said...OK?...no resale value - you will more than likely have to pay someone to take it) ;

6. Focus 2.0 (looks like it has been vomited up after a one night stand between a Citroen and a Punto, good value price, not really sure where it is made - the Ford guys were not very helpful, handled really dodgy in comparison, resale value has been relatively untested longterm in Australia, cannot really fault it too much though);

7. Alpha 147 (looks cool, slightly expensive, has the same quality issues as the Punto, has no resale value)

8. Mazda 3 SP23 (looks really cool - I would even consider being buried in this car for all eternity or until maggots ate my rotting corpse whichever happened firstcheap as chips but has no quality issues - God bless quality Asian construction, no issues, handles like a dream, every man, woman, and their collective dogs have one these days);

9. Volvo C30 (While I would be willing to be seen dead in the Mazda 3 for all eternity, i would be willing to be seen walking down the isle with this car - it is super super cool looking, and the only car in its class that has tried to change the look of a hatchback for the last 15 years, has double the power of the rest put together, is perfect);

10. Corolla (lets just say that Toyota has done nothing to this car for so long I've lost faith in Toyota, unfortunately, and please forgive my language, i have to say it's shithouse and the new car is actually worse than my current Corolla - it's got the exact same fucking engine! The same fucking engine! They've taken the same engine, added all of this useless heavy crap, and created a car that struggles to move...useless! Fucking useless!...ok, sorry for that, I really am, but i really wanted to say the new Corolla was as great as my current Corolla, but alas, it is not worth the $30 plus K you have to pay to get one.


I have completely discounted the following: Subaru (crap, too expensive for what you get); Holden (crap, and I have memories of my previous Holden experiences with the Holden mechanics and Holden dealers telling me "Do not get a Holden"), Nissan, Audi (it is the same car as half of those mentioned above but with a $15 k premium) etc etc.... none of these have made the cut.

The winner will have to be one of the following:

1. Volvo C30 - it is really kick-arse;
2. Mazda 3 SP23 - again, really kick-arse;
3. BMW 118i - if i can get one cheap enough second hand that has already had all the defects fixed;
4. Golf 2.0 - if i can get one cheap enough second hand that has already had all the defects fixed.

In summary - with the exception of Volvo C30 and Mazda 3 SPV, the entire small car industry needs to get their arses kicked for doing nothing in the last 10 years; AND for the record, adding a diesel engine to a crap car, does not make it a good car, it makes it a crap car with a diesel engine.


EDIT: Honda Civic now comes in a hatchback - this car now also makes the cut and extends my top 4 to a top 5. :)

We were talking today over lunch about the benefits of being Muslim, which are as follows:

1. You can have up to four (4) wives;
2. You're one of the enlightened ones; and
3. You can claim the "sky is falling" chicken little style because of all of your persecution by Christiandom.

I had no idea about the four (4) wife thing, however, the waitress at the cafe decided it was better to become a Mormon because of the following:

1. You can have more than four (4) wives; and
2. Apparently you pay little to no taxes (Myth? I presume so, either myth or waitress folklore, one or the other).

HOWEVER, my idea was that they both were ineffective and because you do not want multiple alimony and child support payments which will send you broke, hence, cult member is by far the better option. There's none of the constraints holding you back. Free as a bird!

Notice I said member and not leader? I figure it is better to be second in charge, you get to pull all the strings, and when it all goes pear-shaped you can deny all knowledge of "The Cult of Adam". Afterall, it's purely coincidental that it is named after me, I'm not even the leader, honest judge! Honest!

I'm feeling quite down at the moment; apparently. Everyone keeps telling me i seem really depressed. This is making me feel really depressed...and stressed out trying to work out why I'm depressed.

It's actually a really vicious cycle....

The original

From: Tina ****** [mailto:*****@*****]

Sent: Thursday, 12 July 2007 4:03 PM
To: Dick *******
Cc: Harry; Thomas; Simon
Subject: RE: 44 ****** Road
Importance: High

Hi Guys,

During the last inspection it came to the owners attention that there is more than four people living in the property. Please advise/confirm as the owner has requested this information urgently.

As there is only four people on the lease and the applications were approved on this basis we must ask that the tenants (not currently listed on the lease) to fill out and submit application forms immediately.

Once this has been done we will be in contact to advise if the applications have been approved.

Yours Sincerely,

Tina ******
Property Manager
****** ******

The Reply

From: Dick ****** [mailto:******.******@******.******.******]
Sent: Thursday, 12 July 2007 4:23 PM
To: Tina ******; Harry ******
Cc: Thomas ******; Simon ******
Subject: RE: 44 ****** Road

Tina,

There is definitely not more than four people living in the house and never has been. I will declare that formally if required. There may have been a guest staying at the time (but I don't think so) but this is unusual - unusual it would occur during the week that is.

As you know Tina, we are four single young men making every day count. We feel we are at the peak of our powers right now and sometimes this involves us flexing it a little on the Sydney social circuit. I don't proclaim to be a rock star but I am not a homebody either - my fellow housemates will attest to this and I will attest to them in the same vein.

Some things transcend from heightened social stamina and one of those Tina is over night guests. I think we both know what we're talking about.

So it seems we may simply be caught up on a definitional point. We only have four people living at ********* but we do have guests quite regularly. Harry has more guests than Simon for example but Simon's standards are higher - that's neither here nor there.

We work hard and we play hard Tina and unfortunately the play spills over a little but this does not constitute a breach of lease. All in all I think we are excellent tenants and hold the premises in high regard. Please put this on the file.

Dick

P.S. About that dinner we have been trying to organize, how about next week?