My Manifesto: The Incoherent Ramblings of a Madman

Adam finds a new car so he can retire his Corolla to that big car yard in the sky

My new car criteria is nothing special, it merely has to have the following features:

1. Intermittent windscreen wipers (this is an artifact from my original Suzuki Swift, which alas, did not have intermittent windscreen wipers and became the bane of my existence during rain);
2. Rear windscreen wiper (again, an an artifact from my original Suzuki Swift);
3. Engine with at least 1.9 litres and no more than mid-2;
4. Engine power of at least 100kW;
5. Fuel consumption of less than 10L/100 km (this is actually really hard to tell because , for instance, the Volvo specifications seem to be upfront and honest about the fuel consumption and have about 5 different ratings depending on where the car is driven, where as, others are not so forthcoming with information);
6. CD player: preferably with MP3 and 6 in-dash that allows you to have a random feature that goes across all of the CD's (I've given up on this - Toyota seem to be the only people who have that come as standard in their in-dash stackers)
7. I need to avoid looking like a complete wanker for driving it.

Looking through the small car range i have come up with essentially a list of 10:

1. The Peugeot 207 (looks cool, slightly expensive, made in South Africa and keeps falling apart, no resale value);

2. Golf 2.0 (looks cool, slightly expensive, made in South Africa and keeps falling apart, no resale value, it's becoming the "I'm a North shore wanker" car of choice);

3. Citroen C4 (looks cool, slightly expensive, made in South Africa and keeps falling apart, no resale value);

4. BMW 118i (looks super cool, actually not as expensive in comparison considering the extra features, made in South Africa and keeps falling apart, you look like a BMW driving wanker, no resale value);

5. Punto 1.9 (looks crap, too cheap, in fact, I accidentally broke the door handle in the show room when i pulled it gently shut but we'll just keep that between you and me...ok? I said...OK?...no resale value - you will more than likely have to pay someone to take it) ;

6. Focus 2.0 (looks like it has been vomited up after a one night stand between a Citroen and a Punto, good value price, not really sure where it is made - the Ford guys were not very helpful, handled really dodgy in comparison, resale value has been relatively untested longterm in Australia, cannot really fault it too much though);

7. Alpha 147 (looks cool, slightly expensive, has the same quality issues as the Punto, has no resale value)

8. Mazda 3 SP23 (looks really cool - I would even consider being buried in this car for all eternity or until maggots ate my rotting corpse whichever happened firstcheap as chips but has no quality issues - God bless quality Asian construction, no issues, handles like a dream, every man, woman, and their collective dogs have one these days);

9. Volvo C30 (While I would be willing to be seen dead in the Mazda 3 for all eternity, i would be willing to be seen walking down the isle with this car - it is super super cool looking, and the only car in its class that has tried to change the look of a hatchback for the last 15 years, has double the power of the rest put together, is perfect);

10. Corolla (lets just say that Toyota has done nothing to this car for so long I've lost faith in Toyota, unfortunately, and please forgive my language, i have to say it's shithouse and the new car is actually worse than my current Corolla - it's got the exact same fucking engine! The same fucking engine! They've taken the same engine, added all of this useless heavy crap, and created a car that struggles to move...useless! Fucking useless!...ok, sorry for that, I really am, but i really wanted to say the new Corolla was as great as my current Corolla, but alas, it is not worth the $30 plus K you have to pay to get one.


I have completely discounted the following: Subaru (crap, too expensive for what you get); Holden (crap, and I have memories of my previous Holden experiences with the Holden mechanics and Holden dealers telling me "Do not get a Holden"), Nissan, Audi (it is the same car as half of those mentioned above but with a $15 k premium) etc etc.... none of these have made the cut.

The winner will have to be one of the following:

1. Volvo C30 - it is really kick-arse;
2. Mazda 3 SP23 - again, really kick-arse;
3. BMW 118i - if i can get one cheap enough second hand that has already had all the defects fixed;
4. Golf 2.0 - if i can get one cheap enough second hand that has already had all the defects fixed.

In summary - with the exception of Volvo C30 and Mazda 3 SPV, the entire small car industry needs to get their arses kicked for doing nothing in the last 10 years; AND for the record, adding a diesel engine to a crap car, does not make it a good car, it makes it a crap car with a diesel engine.


EDIT: Honda Civic now comes in a hatchback - this car now also makes the cut and extends my top 4 to a top 5. :)