My Manifesto: The Incoherent Ramblings of a Madman

I got car-parking raged the other day by this old guy at work. Apparently my car had parked him in, I should point something out first, at work the company cars all become pool cars so anyone can use them.

This guy came in donned in full suit/tie and the like and acting all very important and says that the dark blue car has parked him in downstairs. I thought to myself, it's most likely my car, but I really have no idea until I look into it. On the way down to the carpark I realise it is my car and grab my keys. In the meantime this guy swore at me for 15 mins because i had made him late and it was very important that he leave when he wanted to leave, which just so happened to be at the end of the working day - my car had parked him in making him 15 mins late to get where? home? I was ready to hit the fucker. All the time the more and more important the guy was acting like he "was" and/or "is" someone to be reckoned with - but he's parking in my car park...he's parking in the plebs carpark...not in the important carpark with the upper level management and those who matter - so in the scheme of things he is obviously either a nobody like me or somehow managed to get lost!

At no stage did he listen to the fact that I had no even had my car all day - it was someone else altogether who had driven it.

The next day he rings up:

Him: "Hi I'm Darryl"
Me: "Ummm..Ok"
Him: "I'm the fuckhead that yelled at you for 15 mins for parking me in..umm yesterday"
*As soon as he paused to think of what day it was I nearly laughed realising it was a regular event for him*
Me: "Oh - OK"
Him: " I talked to the manager and have now realised it's not you who parked me in - I've found the girl who did it and told her to never do it again"
Me: "Ok"
Him: *hangs up*

So the fuckhead who swears at me for 15 minutes without even listening to me manages to stretch out the car fiasco for another day.

*10 mins later a girl gingerly walks in*

Her: *speaking in a robot-like voice* "I'm sorry for Darryl yelling at you yesterday because I parked his car in. He said I had to apologize to you for him yelling at you - he's a fuckhead"
Me: "Yeah - he is, he even said so"

So a guy who is 15 mins late to go home yells for another 15 mins for no reason at all and then yells at a girl and tells her she has to apologize to me for him yelling at me! Fuck-me-dead!

To top it all off - there's been some auditors at work the past week or so. Four (4) of them, each driving their own car - and somehow they manage to get into the workers carpark with the remote control! I don't even have an automatic switch and I work there! These damn auditors who must have an average age of about 18 are taking up four employee carparks and get the damn remote control - plebs like me have to manually type in a number and get yelled at by self confessed fuckheads because there's not enough parking....

something must be wrong with the books - or do auditors always get sucked up to like that?

Associated Press:
JACKSON, Miss. - Two dolphins that were swept from their aquarium tanks into the Gulf of Mexico by Hurricane Katrina were rescued Thursday, but six others remained at sea.


Ok - call me crazy - but why in the hell do dolphins need "rescuing" from the sea? Is that not where they come from?

I'm an uncle - I feel old.

The plot thickens. The asset engineer not only had one list - but two! So the operations guys had damn well five lists! Five! No damn wonder bridges fall down - these people don't even realise where they are!

When celebrities attack!

heraldsun.news.com.au:

Topless model Kate "Jordan" Price married her Australian prince charming Peter Andre in a flurry of tackiness at an ancient castle before an array of C-listers at the weekend.

Pop singer Andre was reportedly crying so much he could hardly get his vows out, while Jordan stumbled over the word matrimony.

"It was very emotional -- at one point both Jordan and Peter were crying buckets, but he was worse," said one guest.

OMG! The first person got voted off Australian Idol for 2005! OMG! It's the ugly annoying one who can't sing (sure that doesn't narrow it down much)! OMG! What a surprise! OMG! Now they're going to have to put something else on the tv now that tonight's episode is over! OMG! What ever will I do for my Australian Idol fix now that tonight's show is over? I'll have to wait a whole day before it's on again! A whole day! OMG!

Shoot me now...please...

I am doing two (2) jobs at the moment. The new job I have been in for a month is really crazy-busy. The biggest problem is that the previous person in my position had no systematic way of doing anything. He was looking after all of the bridges in the area - but he had no bridge list! The operations guys have four (4) different lists...the design guys had two (2) different lists...why in the fuck is there not one (1) list??? How in the hell can anyone manage the bridges when they don't know how many there are or what they're called or where they damn well are?

Not only is there no bridge list - but there's no base catchment files or anything! Each time he had to do a drainage calculation he would start from scratch to do it...so instead of the job taking two (2) hours it would take two (2) weeks...why? I don't understand it! I do not understand how the hell someone can sit there for five (5) years and not even have a system to do the simple things.

Ugh! I want to hit something!

Why is everything a race-thing? It's a fucking socio-economic thing! Race has nothing to do with it! It's money! Money! Money!

"He was in the club with some friends watching the shows when she came up and asked if he wanted a lap dance," Hassen said. "He said no, she got upset about it, they argued back and forth. She pulled knife out of her bag and stabbed him." (Reuters)

I'm using this excuse next time :) EDIT: erm I mean the first time - that was a close one ;)

I don't know why or how - but there's an army of killer bees in my house at the moment who just keep damn well attacking me!

There was this buzzing noise coming from the window..i pulled back the blind to see 8 bees all there buzzing around madly trying to get through the glass so they could get outside! How the hell they got inside I have no idea! Then i felt this thing crawling on me as I sat at the computer.i just presumed it was a fly or something...so flicked it off..and AGAIN...it was another bee...this happened twice...they're taking over!

Hopefully the killer bees will destroy the army of dustbugs and cockroaches that have barracks here.

I've got too much time on my hands - I'm now reading the craziest stuff:

The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself? -bash.org

Taiwan's Typhoon killed 3 - we can all learn something from the emergency management efforts of Taiwan. :)

Online forums are piss funny:

Eggs: Myk you nasty Canuck, wtf was going on with that boob?

Myk: what was bad was when I squeezed it!! pop pop pop

Eggs: Thats nice, you didn't answer the question. What is it?

Myk: photoshop you dumbass!

Eggs: Jesus fucking christ... that still hasn't answered the fucking question. WTF is it thats implanted in her tit with photoshop?

Myk: I DONT FUKKIN KNOW! JESUS FUKIN CHRIST WHO ARE YOU THE FUKIN QUESTION MASTER!!!!

Eggs: THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SO?

Eggs: AND YES, I AM.

Here's a link to the pic in question - yeah it's kinda disturbing:

http://img328.imageshack.us/img328/2163/wtftit25tr.jpg

This guy is funny...

A Realistic Plan for World Peace
a.k.a
Nuke the Moon
by Frank J.

“Gotta nuke something.”
-20th century philosopher Nelson Muntz

World peace cannot be achieved by sitting around on our duffs singing hippy songs to the moon. Peace can only be achieved through excessive acts of seemingly mindless violence. Who do bullies pick on in the playground? The giant, crazy looking guy who looks ready to snap and kill the person nearest or some harmless looking weenie who appears to do anything to avoid conflict? People pick on the weenie because people like to start fights they think they can win. In the same way, people will continue to attack America and our interests when they get the idea that they can piss off America without us immediately eradicating them and everyone around them in the most painful way possible.

Now, if I were president, here’s what I would do. Next time some country does something we don’t take a pining too, such as supporting terrorism or speaking French, I’d pick the dumbest reason for an attack, e.g., "A ‘q’ should always be followed by a ‘u’. I don’t make the rules, Iraq, but I will enforce them." The more irrational you look, the more scared the country will be that you will really hit them hard. I’d then give the country the old one-week notice until bombing starts. Then, after just twenty-four hours, I’d start bombing. When the stupid dictator calls to complain, I’d say, "I meant one week max. Oh, and by the way, ground troops - one week." I’m sure that would be enough to capitulate the average evildoer, but some extra measures could help intimidate others as well. Like, instead of just saturation bombing a city, super-saturation bomb it. After annihilating everything until nothing but ash is left, I’d nuke the ashes. It’s that extra bit of extremely disproportionate use of force that makes other countries start to wonder if America "has it all together" and really worrying who we’ll lash out against next.

Of course, Europe will start complaining, and Europe’s bad mouthing of America gives comfort to our enemies. I mean, those guys values are so messed up they think calling someone a "cowboy" is an insult. Best idea would be to assassinate the leader of the first European country we hear a peep out of. This will probably make us look evil, though, when we want the image of crazy and violent. So, when the Europeans ask why, I’d claim to never have heard of the person: "I didn’t even know France had a leader. Sure it wasn’t suicide? Yeah, committing suicide with a sniper rifle would be hard, but not impossible if you had a five-hundred yard length of string to work the trigger." Assassination does seem a little extreme, but we’re talking about Europe. I mean, what are they going to do other than quickly capitulate under a mild threat of force. We’ll probably start seeing, "We all love America!" parades in bids to not be our next targets.

Now the world will be pretty convinced that America is frick’n nuts and just looking for a fight, but we need to really ingrain it into everyone’s conscious so that no one will ever even contemplate crossing us. This requires making good use of our nukes. I know, nukes can kill millions of people, but they sure aren’t doing anyone any good just sitting around. I mean, how many years has it been since we last dropped a bomb on someone? No one even thinks we’ll actually use one now. Of course, using nukes shouldn’t be done haphazardly; all uses have to be well planned out because the explosions are so cool looking that we’ll want to give the press plenty of notice so they can get pictures of the mushroom cloud from all sorts of different angles. But what to nuke? Well, usually the idea is populated cities, but, by the beliefs of my morally superior religion, killing is wrong. So why can’t we be more creative than nuking people. My idea is to nuke the moon; just say we thought we saw moon people or something. There is no one actually there to kill (unless we time it poorly) and everyone in the world could see the results. And all the other countries would exclaim, "Holy @$#%! They are nuking the moon! America has gone insane! I better go eat at McDonalds before they think I don’t like them."

But why stop there. We’ve got like tons of national parks; we surely wouldn’t miss just one if we nuked it. Our excuse will be that we heard a drug dealer was hiding there. Then the foreign nations would be like, "Sacre bleu! These Americans are nuking themselves! Surely they will think nothing of bombing us! Let’s adapt their vapid culture as our own so they might consider us one of them."

Now all other countries will be completely freaked out and never even dream of messing with us. They’ll say the name of America with hushed whispers and always praise us in public for fear of reprisal. We’d be like an Old Testament god to them; perhaps they would even start worshiping us - actually, we should make that a condition of favored trade status. Not only will we have ensured peace for ourselves, but we can also now easily end any conflict between other countries. We see two nations warring over some territory, all we’ll have to do is say, "Hey, break it up," and they’ll be racing to concede to each other rather than get on the bad side of the "crazy, homicidal Americans." And, if people are being oppressed by an evil government, all we’ll have to do is say, "Hey you! Stop being communist!" and the next day they’ll have elections, capitalism, and free-press to keep from having their country turned into a parking lot. It will be that easy to motivate our fellow man, because there is hardly anything people treasure more than not being annihilated.

Now all that’s needed to keep peace is to come up with new and creative ways of looking insane and belligerent without actually harming anyone. Missile defense is probably a good step in that direction. Next time some country steps out of line, we launch a nuclear missile at them. Just seconds before it hits, we blow it up with our missile defense so that everyone there sees the huge explosion in the sky. Then the president would just call up their leader and say, "Hey, we lost sight of our SDI test. Did you see if it worked?"

By now, you’re probably saying, "Great idea. But how to do we pay for all these random acts of violence?" Just create an "Other Country Tax", a tax for being a country other than the U.S. After implementing my plan, all the countries will be eager to pay the money, and probably add a nice tip to win favor.

So there you have it, a real peace plan that could actually work. Warmongering pacifists want us to act all nice such that countries think we’re rational and won’t kill everyone with a blind fury, thus making it possible they might actually attack us and draw us into a war. But, if America follows my idea and lashes out at the slightest provocation with unmeasured vengeance, there can be peace. So there’s the choice: either be a homicidal maniac thus ensuring peace and love in the world, or be some pacifist hippy while the streets flow with the blood of the innocent.

It's Lord of the Flies come post-apocalypse come Mad Max 4. They need protecting from themselves more than they need protecting from anything else.

"By Wednesday the stink was staggering. Heaps of rotting garbage in bulging white plastic bags baked under a blazing Louisiana sun on the main entry plaza, choking new arrivals as they made their way into the stadium after being plucked off rooftops and balconies.

The odor billowing from toilets was even fouler. Trash spilled across corridors and aisles, slippery with smelly mud and scraps of food." (New York Times)

""They have M-16s and they're locked and loaded," Gov. Kathleen Blanco said of 300 National Guard troops who landed in New Orleans fresh from duty in Iraq. "These troops know how to shoot and kill, and they are more than willing to do so, and I expect they will."" (AAP)

What in the fuck is next? Maybe we should be sending in the Iraqis to save the Americans? All I can say is if I see another damn CNN news feed with that annoying tickertape thing across the bottom I'm going to shoot someone with my freshly looted water logged pistol...or maybe not - it could be a good keepsake. I am fucking embarressed for every american. How in the hell did this happen when it is something that everyone has known will happen sooner or later?