My Manifesto: The Incoherent Ramblings of a Madman

How funny is this:

DEAR ABBY: My name is "Johnny." I am 18 and currently incarcerated. I was locked up last March and won't be out for another five months. I'm facing a terrible problem when I get out and I need your help.

I have a girlfriend, "Brianna," who I love with all my heart and will do anything for. We have been together since I was 14. She has been with me through everything. She's now pregnant with my baby. Her cousin and her best friend are also pregnant. They all know each other is pregnant, but the cousin and friend haven't told Brianna that I'm the father. She has been asking questions, but they tell her they're "not sure." They insist that it's my place to tell her.

My mother secretly pays for each of the girls' doctor visits and everything they need, but she says she can't keep sneaking around doing this.

It's killing me knowing I'll have to hurt my girlfriend. I don't want her to leave me because I love her, and she has both of my cars, my motorcycle and the house I bought. I'm afraid she will destroy them when she finds out. I'm so worried I can't sleep. Please tell me what to do. -- JOHNNY-IN-A-SPOT

It sounds like the only thing worrying the guy is that his girlfriend owns all of his stuff!