My Manifesto: The Incoherent Ramblings of a Madman

Some words from Rodney Dangerfield (who I thought was a tosser - but his one-liners are good):

1. I was so poor growing up..if i wasn't a boy I'd have had nothing to play with;
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on ove, nobody's home" I went over. Nobody was home.
3. My girlfriend always trys to talk to me during sex. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work..I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy: "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said:" Because you came home early"
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning..put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...when I played in the sandpit the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
8. I was an ugly baby...my mother never breastfed me. She told me she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born the Doc came into the waiting room and said to my father: "I'm sorry, we did everything we could do, but he pulled through"
11. I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness after I was born
12. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger back to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said : "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said: "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next friday.
15. I'm so ugly..I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get
16. I went to see my doctor:" Doctor everytime I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror I throw up. WHat's wrong with me?" He said: "I don't know - but your eyesight is fine."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a box of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him: "How can I get my kite into the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in everyroom he leaves a pyramid. His favourite bone is my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birthcontrol.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap. He was in the electric chair.
22. I'm so ugly when i was born the doctor slapped my mother.