My Manifesto: The Incoherent Ramblings of a Madman

What is the biggest evil we face today? (other than George Bush and the American juggernaut) - Shopping Trolleys!

These seemingly inert objects have overtaken the world by stealth. They have left no territory uncharted. They turn up everywhere! Everywhere!

When Edmund Hillary reached the peak of Mount Everest first - something that is much debated for a few obvious reasons, other than the fact that he had a guided tour to the top by his trusty Sherpa which tends to suggest he wasn't the first person there at all, but on the same point - he was being guided to the top, which means even on his trip he must've been second - but what they don't tell you in the history books is that when they ascended to the peak - there in all it's rusty glory was a shopping trolley! Complete with the ever glorious "Rollback savings" and "if this trolley is found please call 1-800-TROLLEY to report is missing". I kid you not!

The moon landing. Conspiracists will tell you that the moon landing was faked. Conspiracists will tell you that when the transmission was cut that NASA were having problems with their Hollywood studio transmission. The truth is that when Neil Armstrong was about to plant the flag, which for some reason blew in zero atmosphere (insert twighlight zone music), he had to move the shopping trolley out of the way. Man made it all the way to the moon - and as if to mock him - there was the faithful shopping trolley - first. Neil felt a fool. Mankind was beaten again by the evil that is trolley.

My own experiences with shopping trolleys. The watagans mountains national park. There was a track leading into it that had half washed away because they were car-rallying there. It was mid-winter. There were felled trees across the pathway. Leeches the size of Michael Jordans fingers (I'm presuming he has huge hands - I was going to compare them to the size of my fingers but mine are somewhat 1/4 of the size of these bastard leeches) rained down from the trees. In the middle of this place, at the end of the hiking track accessible by foot only - there lays a shopping trolley on its end. Again mocking me. Mocking me with it's evil smirk!

When left on their own - these trolleys wreak havoc in shopping centre carparks! All manner of scratches and bumps turn up on cars. The trolleys start of with minor scratches. They like to lull you into a false sense of security. Gradually, and ever more gradually they sneak up. Bumping into your car...scratching slightly and ever more slightly deeper and deeper...before you know it there's no damn paint left on your car because those bastards have stripped it clean! Stripped it clean I tell you! They feed on the paint from cars. They use it to stop them from rusting. They want you to park near them. They need your paint. They need your car paint.

Do these shopping trolleys have no shame? Is no level too low for them to stoop? Will their evil rule over the world end? Will mankind realise that they are overtaking the world? When will this chaos end? When? When?