My Manifesto: The Incoherent Ramblings of a Madman

If ever given the chance to see the movie:

Hellraiser 4 - inferno (at least I believe it is called that) - pass on it --> it was terrible and if you don't believe me, here's a much better review on it:

http://classic-horror.com/reviews/hellraiser5.html

I am a fan of the Hellraiser series. I even liked Bloodline while others couldn't stand it. But this one, come on! I can't believe how non-Hellraiser it was. It starts out with a detective investigating a grizzly (Pinhead Style) murder where he finds the puzzle box. Eventually the detective goes to his home. He has a caring wife and daughter, but he leaves his home to find a hooker and do drugs in a hotel room (He claims it keeps his marriage going). After his encounter (Sucky, sucky, love you long time) with the hooker he goes into the bathroom and plays with the puzzle box. He calls the cenobites and they come, but he thinks it was all a dream. The next morning he goes to work and gets a phone call from the hooker and he hears her get massacred. This is where the movie diverges from the other Hellraisers. In fact, the box has little to do with the rest of the movie. It rolls on from there as he tries to find out who killed the hooker. One problem crops up: it looks like he did it. So like a jerk he frames his partner. What can I say, the "hero" sucks. This movie was more of a parable than a horror. I also smelled a bit of "Miss Saigon", hell I tell a lie, it reeked of it. Let's get to the nitty gritty.

The good guys. Well, there was one. Maybe. The only guy I would consider the "goodie" would be the main character's partner. But it really doesn't matter because he doesn't. Alright, that's it for the good guy.

Now for the bad guys. The first one I'll mention is the main character, a surly detective. This guy, even though he is the hero, has a nice family but he still insists on doing drugs and doing hookers. I guess that is why the novel this movie was based on was called "The Hellbound Heart", by Clive Barker. Then we have the ice cream man, and drug pusher, that I wouldn't let any kids near. This guy could have been the Liver and Onions man. The Psychologist is a standard Freudian style shrink, who for some reason has a major role in this movie. Hell, he just seemed pointless even at the end. Then we have a cute little hooker. Why is it in these movies the hookers are all cute, yet when we watch the COPS on Fox every hooker they show is skanky and nasty. Now onto the Cenobites. We have Pinhead. Great, no real lines and for some reason none of the old cenobites (Ya, I know they where "killed", but Pinhead was too) make an appearance. There are these eyeless bisexual twins. They don't do much other than moan and rub the "hero's" nipples (One up all up, if you know what I mean.). Another one is a eyeless cenobite that is only an upper torso and it walks on its hands. Again this cenobite does nothing. The last Cenobite (I guess) is the Faceless Killer he just goes around killing (randomly). Finally we have a character called the Engineer who is pretty much just a plot twist. If you think the bad guys are all over the place, you are right. They are also pointless, just like the movie.

The special effects were very good but there was not enough blood and guts. It seemed like they were consumed with the story this time yet the story was uninteresting. The Cenobites makeup was very well done, no corners were cut. There is also, towards the end, a really good surreal set of the Detective's childhood home. The camera motion and lighting levels really added tension to the ending (Amazingly, Hellraiser Style).

Now is it just me or does there seem to be a hint of "Miss Saigon?" For those of you who have not seen it there are hookers and a guy called the engineer. The musical was also a story of morality and denial (i.e. no eyes) with some mushy stuff mixed in. Maybe I am just reading too much into a coincidence.

The bottom line is this movie was painful to watch. I had no idea if I should feel sorry for the "hero" because he screwed up or if I should have been rejoicing in his misery. What did I do? Well both, and I got up to go the bathroom without pausing the video (Just kidding, but I could have and not missed a thing). I can't understand how they could have fallen so far off the mark. If you are a hard core Hellraiser fan (i.e. you get a woody seeing Pinhead) rent it and be ready to get disappointed. Otherwise leave it on the shelf. Time for the Nasty Numbers.

Nasty Numbers:
0 Breasts
3 Dead Bodies
1 Pinhead Mutilation
2 Zombiefied Parents
2 Asian Cowboys
1 Nasty Ice Cream Man
2 Hookers
4 Cenobites
1 Gun to the Head
4 Cat O' Nine Tails with Hooks
1 Gratuitous Nipple Rub
Whip Foo
Hook Foo
Cigarette Box Foo


* (One Star)
The single star is for the hooker.