My Manifesto: The Incoherent Ramblings of a Madman

--> I think this email a friend forwarded the other day is hilarious, so, I having nothing better to do with my time, have copied and pasted it here:


Dear Boss



1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring
it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.


2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to
inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me,
advising me at every keystroke.


3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a
chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.


4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the
door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and
opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be
injured and lose all use of my limbs.


5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the
priority. I am psychic.


6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have
nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.


7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could
mean a promotion.


8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular
in conversations. I was born to be whipped.


9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In
fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with
useful information.


10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know
anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to
them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.


11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to
know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having
to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good
manager.


12. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have
been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase.
I'm not here for the money anyway.



Signed
Your valued employee